Holding My Breath
by rachhudson
Summary: He takes a deep breath, looking out into the snow. There is only one way to save this Christmas. Spoilers up to 2x10.


**I had this idea while listening to Lea Michele's awesome version of "O Holy Night," and BAM! This little Finn/Rachel oneshot was born. Just in time for Christmas, too. ;) Hahah.**

**The song lyrics at the beginning are from "Pollen and Salt" by Daphne Loves Derby.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Glee, do you really think Finn and Rachel would be broken up right now?**

* * *

"_I have been holding my breath,  
__For too many nights in a row  
__And somewhere, on coastlines unknown to me,  
__You paint your dreams: Reds and blues and greens  
__You're painting daffodils by the sea,  
__Without me."  
_-  
Pollen and Salt; Daphne Loves Derby

* * *

**Holding My Breath**

Finn Hudson really only goes to church once a year on Christmas Eve, mainly because his mom drags him. (This year he has gone a little more frequently due to the Grilled Cheesus incident, but he still wouldn't call himself devoted or religious.) So, as per tradition, he finds himself at the Lima undenominational church on this Christmas Eve, this time with Burt and Kurt in tow.

He doesn't really pay much attention during the service (also as per usual) until he hears the words, "And now, a special performance by Miss Rachel Berry, singing 'O Holy Night.'"

His eyes snap to the front of the church, where she's suddenly standing, looking as stunning as ever in a tasteful green dress. His heart leaps into his throat and he wonders what she's doing here because he knows she's _Jewish_. Then she opens her mouth and begins to sing.

Her voice is angelic, washing over him, and he realizes all the reasons he fell in love with her in the first place. Then he also remembers her and Puck and pictures her crushing her lips into his and he just can't do it, he can't, he can't, he can't.

He sees Kurt looking at him, leaning over across Burt to whisper, "Finn? Are you okay?"

He doesn't answer. If he answers, he might just start crying, and then this would officially be the worst Christmas Eve ever. He stares ahead, not looking at Rachel but focusing on a mass of candles to the left of her. He gets the feeling she's trying to look everywhere but at him as well. In a weird kind of way, it kind of hurts that she's respecting his wishes. He almost wishes she'd keep fighting.

Suddenly, he can't breathe, and he's drowning, and he just needs air. "I gotta…" he starts to say, but then he swallows, and he can't speak. His mom just looks at him, tears in her eyes, and nods. She understands. He bolts.

As soon as he's outside the church, he collapses onto the stairs, putting his head in his hands. He ignores the snow falling thickly around him. He ignores the fact that it's freezing and that he left his coat in the pew. He ignores everything but the look on her face when she saw him leaving; he figures no one else noticed because they don't know her like he does. Her heart was breaking, just like his.

He takes a deep breath, looking out into the snow. There is only one way to save this Christmas.

(xxxx)

He doesn't remember the last time he's been so scared. It's two in the afternoon on Christmas Day, and here he is standing on Rachel Berry's doorstep. This is possibly the stupidest thing he's ever done, but he knows he'll regret it if he doesn't do it. He takes a deep breath in, then rings the doorbell.

One of her dads answers. "Um, hi, Mr. Berry, is uh… is Rachel home?"

He narrows his eyes at Finn, but nods, opening the door to let him in. "Rachel!" he yells up the stairs. "The boy's here to see you!"

His heart skips a beat as her father calls him that once again. It brings back memories of the not-so-long-ago past, where everything was perfect.

Rachel appears at the top of the stairs, still clad in her pajamas. "Finn?" she asks. He swallows. God, he's missed her. He finds his voice.

"I need to talk to you."

She nods. He follows her up the stairs and into her room. She shuts the door behind her. She gestures to the bed. "Do you, uh, want to sit down?"

He ignores her. "You're Jewish."

She looks at him in confusion. "Yes?"

He shakes his head. He knows he's screwing this up, like usual. "You're Jewish, but you were at church last night. Singing. I saw you. I know you saw me, too."

She takes a deep breath and suddenly she won't look at him. "Yeah, they uh, they invited me to sing at the service, not knowing my religious background, of course, and I couldn't exactly refuse. So, I sang. And I had _no _idea you were going to be there, Finn." She looks up at him, finally meeting his gaze. "You have to believe me. I really was – _am _– trying to respect your wishes."

He clears his throat. "I – I know." She looks surprised. "I mean, I saw the look on your face when I… when I left. And I know that you being there was hurting you as much as it was hurting me."

Her eyes fill with tears, but he keeps going. "I've been thinking a lot since, well… since Sectionals. Since you told me about… about you and Puck." She makes to interrupt, but he holds up a hand to stop her. "And I know you're sorry, but, really, don't you see how _stupid _that was? Who was there after he did the exact same thing to me with Quinn? You were. It just hurt, Rach." Tears are streaming down her face now, but he knows if he doesn't keep going, he'll never get all the words out.

"But I was also thinking about why you did it. It still wasn't right, what you did, but I see why. We should've… we should've talked about the Santana thing. I was just kind of blowing it off and you were blowing it out of proportion and we never just sat down and _discussed _it. And we should have. And I'm sorry I never told you that it didn't mean anything and that you are _so _much better than Santana and that it never should have happened. But I'm telling you now."

He smiles at her weakly, and she smiles just as softly back at him. "I love you, Rachel. I know I broke up with you, but I never stopped loving you. I don't know if I ever will."

She keeps her eyes locked on his, never straying from his face. He wonders if she thinks this is all a dream. He decides to prove he's real. He crosses the room in about two strides, putting his hands on both sides of her face and kissing her, soft and sweet and slow, like he's wanted to for weeks now.

After a few seconds, she pulls away. "Does this mean you forgive me?" she whispers.

He nods. She bursts into tears and he envelopes her into his arms, hugging her tightly and muffling the sound of her voice, blubbering "I'm sorry" and "I missed you so much" and "I love you, Finn" over and over again.

"Shh," he says, patting her hair. "I know, I know. We'll be okay."

Finally she stops and looks up at him with bloodshot eyes but with a smile nonetheless. "Merry Christmas, Finn."

He grins, a true smile for the first time in weeks. "Merry Christmas, Rachel."

Finally, he feels like he can breathe again.


End file.
